The evening walk of 6th Jan 2026
As the door shut, a cold breeze teased the exposed parts of my neck, forcing me to reconsider. I continued and decided to go on a walk anyway on today’s rather cold but still sunny Madrid evening.
The goal was just to walk around in the town and eventually reach my favourite bubble tea place and hope that the place is quiet (which it is not). What you may now read, is an avalanche of thoughts, and ruminations gathered along the past year. My expression talents are slightly dwindling due to repeated AI use, but my writing talents are on steroids..due to repeated AI use.
Some things here may not be real, life in the end is fiction except for the one who has seen it.
(The party of 12 on the next seat is annoyingly loud and that is making me a bit overwhelmed. I secretly hope that they leave soon. )
I don't have much time to write this as I have to do some speculative work that could be sisyphean, but only time will tell. I should think myself out of learned helplessness.
There is at least another guy sitting in front of me who feels the annoyance of the party of 12. He seems Asian. He is fiddlying on a laptop too. We are mirror images.
Madrid on the day of 3 kings is fantastic. The leaves from autumn can be seen twirling through the streets as they look for corners to find other leaves to meet and greet before another gust of wind blows them apart..
Most shops are closed. As this is the last day of Christmas vacations, people are home tending to the next sprint of work before Easter break. The center is deserted and the waning tail of tourists can be seen marvelling the “as seen on instagram”. We are in the center now. Opera. Never been. One of the places I work is here. But, it is closed too. The gym is closed.
(Suddenly the party of 12 started laughing and startled me. The noise cancelling headphones I bought, are useless, and I think, I should return them)
It is surprisingly calm today. It reminds me of the CoVID curfews. My most memorable times. The streets were so nice then. Less sensory input. You notice more things. The streets in Madrid otherwise are like a river that is about to flood but never does. It seems life threatening. People tend to speak loud and empty. Today, at this street, “Calle Pez”, Its just me and some lost tourists. I know what they are looking for. It is the “hidden” Airbnb. The caretaker is probably away on vacation and they are looking for that box with a key. He is not getting a 5 star review. But, he probably does not care either. There is a lot of demand.
I dislike Christmas and activities around it. Everyone leaves Madrid. I am like Harry Potter who is just hanging around with Hagrett as it snows in Hogwarts. Madrid is not that magical, but loneliness is. This year, I spent the new year by myself. Thanks to P, I had a place for Christmas. But, I usually prefer to be alone and do things by myself. When I think of things I can do, not a lot comes to mind though. Probably do some programming, watch TV, play with electronics or write random poems and things like this. Christmas involves showing off a lot. Buying gifts. I dont like to buy gifts. I like to make gifts. But, only a few people appreciate that. We should normalise giving money as a gift… The Chinese red envelope.. Or the Indian Lifafa. This year I made earrings for some girl-friends, and star wars things for other male friends. I also made special tea mixes for friends based on their personality. I think I am getting better at being a tea aficionado. During Christmas, apart from the loneliness, there is an immense pressure to buy things. I don't need anything in particular… but still a lot is on offer.
I walked down Calle Pez and I am now walking towards Pablo’s street. Pablo is one of my close friends here. He was my professor. He is a genuinely creative and deep person. This year we built a cool project for Galicia where he took me like a little brother with him to various places and his friend's houses to, as he says, “show me around”. I am grateful to him. As I walked past his street, memories of time we spent together brushed past me like a sweet human passing by wearing a nice perfume like LeLabo’s Another 13. Noticing that the street is empty and cold, I walked towards Plaza Mayor again.
(The party of 12 has left and has been replaced by a party of 2 loud españolas)
I was suddenly engulfed with people, police, and pretty views. Slightly overwhelmed with the crowds, but armed with my knowledge of Madrid, I found a nice route to Malasaña. 2025 has been a hard but interesting year. I decided to go freelancing this year. The start was good… till Easter. Then a few cool weekend projects that paid the bills… but a really bad project that kept me sad the whole year… It was for a friend of a friend who lets say is called 007. 007 is a bond at what he does. He knows how to walk. Byung Chul Han might not agree with his definition of art, but the world does. So, who cares.
I picked a very cool project on mechanisms which started very well. In 4 weeks we had a working prototype. My intrinsic and extrinsic motivation was high. I am not a mechanical engineer. But, I can do a lot of things. The problems started when we had to go from 60% to 100% according to his definition. It was classic goal post moving tactic. Things my fragile knowledge of mechanics was not ready for.
From what seemed to be a nice project, turned into a nightmare of optimisations to build a world class swiss watch mechanism, while charging for something much more simple. I was partly at fault. I was overwhelmed and did not understand anything I was doing. I hired specialists.. Who gave up too. 007 was persistent. You have to be persistent to survive in his world. Social media is brutal. Keep posting quality thing. I seem him more of a marketeer than an artist. A magician in the society of the spectacle. As a stupid ass neurodivergent, I lost all confidence in myself after a disappointing few months of work without pay. I kept working and kept struggling… until I could not. So, I went to my safe space - D+J’s house in York. I was on the last straw.
York is nice! York on a busy day is like Madrid today. After coming back, i had some renewed confidence in my skill and I spent another week fixing the sculpture and decided that my first approach was the way. The experts just added noise. I should have trusted my instincts. I had low confidence. 007 was not happy. His content pipeline was falling apart. Less work to post, more food pictures. Ball has to keep rolling. But algorithm may punish. I was responsible.
I was to some extent, but now the part that was not working was his … but I was responsible for the delay. I was scared. I was drained. I still don't know how to handle this situation. At the moment, It is like that ingrown nail that keep hurting as you keep walking.
Now we are in Malasaña. Again.
Malasaña is where the hipster expats live. Everything is designer. Nice fonts. Stimulating colors. Perfect kerning. It is a place designed for consumption. Cheap Dopamine on sale. 99 cent cheese cakes. Many consultants live here. They speak English and French here.
In case you did not know.. Madrid is quite unaffordable now. We are almost looking at a socio-cultural collapse. I will not say more. You can read about it. But rents in Malasaña are comparable to London with ⅓ of the salary. I am a bit overwhelmed now from all this thinking. I keep getting ideas of things I can do, but I feel helpless and trapped in the thoughtland… But i know the way. Mandalorian way.
En route to Bilbao. My hands are freezing. Maybe a place to get some cheap tea? H’s place is closed today. H is my Hagrett. Rodilla is open. But my favourite spot is taken. I wont enter. Other spots are not as good. Tea tastes better in my spot. I keep walking.
Oh a Hipster cafe. I despise the hipster cafes all around here. They may have good coffee, tea or cakes. But their formal "schooled society" nature and “I am better than you” vibe makes them repugnant to me. Their clientele is performative. Aesthetic hipsters. Buying used clothes at twice the price and reading Art of War. Signal.
I only enter them with N. N’s words shield me from feeling bad. It like a force field. Plus I am on cost saving mode and these places are exorbitantly expensive. I am sorry, if you like Specialty Coffee. Don't get me started on Matcha. The moment you see a Matcha cafe in a neighbourhood. The performative expats have invaded the neighbourhood. Plus there is no ceremony.
Just past by a store that promises whiter teeth for 149 EURs and 25 mins (why not 30 mins?)
I might seem negative. I am. I read too much Bukowski. I used to live on this street now. But, I cannot afford to live here anymore. My income has not increased as much as the rent has. I feel betrayed by the system. Of all the effort I put in to integrate, learning a 5th language..blah.. blah.. Anyways. It is what it is.
(The españolas have started making out)
Let's move back now. 2025 has been interesting. I started (and ended) dating. I even paid big bucks for a course which promised to make me more extroverted. Spain is an extroverted place. I thought I would be more accepted. You see, shy men are bad. Shy women are good. I went on these dates, masking myself as an extrovert. The first one was a “your wallet is my wallet, my wallet is my wallet” person. Initially, the pleasing me, paid for everything. Then, everything collapsed. There were others too. But, nothing went far. My “red pilled” friends gave me advice which I was not morally aligned with. I did not execute. I was called coward, soft, and weak. Tears and wet pillows.
This whole domain is very confusing. Now my redpilled friends have girlfriends and we don't talk anymore. There is a stasis. I dont understand. Medium is the massage.
I am happy that I tried though. After years of shame from a previous encounter, I can say things got better with treatment… the experiment is inconclusive but the tarot reader says there is hope but the sea may be angry..
(More espanolas have joined them and they are talking about their therapy. One got diagnosed with ADHD and the other not. They are dejected as they have to find something else now to explain how they feel..refuge in labels)
I have reached Santo Domingo now. I am a bit confused about what to do. My neurodivergence (Label) is over-bearing and I need to find a way to handle it to survive the hustle. GD called today after I sent him an alarming Christmas greeting. He is very kind. We talked about AI and his message was to play.
There are very few people who understand me. Of those, only a handful empathise with me. Many people take advantage and I need to be careful about it. I should say no. Lots of unpaid invoices.
Madrid as a city is Marc Auge’s Non-place. Most of my friends I made a few years ago have left. Ru has left, Jo has left (he came for Christmas to visit), Yu has left, Fa has left, Gu has left too..A has a GF now. Ad is married now. Ki was Gu’s GF’s friend and she stopped keeping in touch too.
Men seem to change when they have a significant other. They become very lousy friends. I am angry at them. I just become a distraction. I just listen. I am a good listener. But it is tiring to actively listen all the time. Sometimes, I just nod.
I just know An. He is on the adjacent boat. We try to sail together. He gets sea sick often and does a lot of side quests. Monday Mornings.
Networks collapse. I feel like an old man, sitting on the bus stop in Augian Non-Plac-y Universe. I am heavily bearded. Clothes are dirty but I smell good. I have a straw in my mouth. It's Neem bark. Slightly bitter. I am at a moment where I am waiting for the bus that has not come or accepting that the bus is never coming.
The family back home is aging. Some people are depressed. Some are stuck in disagreements started decades ago. Some have given up. Some are bitter about the way others treated them. Petty ego stuff. Whatsapp university. Time is ticking. I am lying.
(A new party of 8 Filipinos walked in)
The only way out is to keep making things. This video on the M type person seems relatable. Build for the soul, first, and not for sale. Thinking about selling almost never helps in making something worth making. Premature optimisation strikes. Rick Rubin may make sense. Back to old ways with new knowledge, skills, and AI.
As designers, we are taught too much "heady" stuff, research this..make that.. they should teach more "handy" stuff. We should be more intuitive. Trust our intuition like Alan said. Pester the user for feedback but not worship them. Small is beautiful. Hustle culture is not compatible with craft many a times. Not everyone is the user or client.
Say no to things, clients, ideas, people. Don't please. If someone treats you badly, just cut them out (after a confrontation). Mixed signals are always a NO. Stop trying to see them as a yes! Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of pain.
I am now on the street on the bubble tea place. Writing this took a lot of time. Timelines have collapsed.
Bye